


Survival of the Astronauts

by saybyebus



Category: The LEGO Movie (2014), The LEGO Movie 2: The Second Part (2019)
Genre: Gen, Locked In, Parody, Self Aware, Spongebob Squarepants Parody, Survival of the Idiots, Who you calling Pinhead?, cat food
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-05
Updated: 2019-04-05
Packaged: 2020-01-05 10:09:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18363908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saybyebus/pseuds/saybyebus
Summary: A parody of "Survival of the Idiots," one of my favorite Spongebob episodes ever. Benny and Lenny drop by the Dream House, only to find that Emmet and Lucy are away on spring break vacation. Unikitty, however, is there, and she's very temperamental from being left alone in the house. Things get rather interesting when the two bozos end up locking themselves in the house by mistake.





	Survival of the Astronauts

_Who lives in a blue spaceship up on the moon?_

_Benny Spacepants!_

_Whose work is all play, such a loveable goon?_

_Benny Spacepants!_

_If space opera nonsense be something you wish_

_Benny Spacepants!_

_Then come float around like a satellite dish!_

_Benny Spacepants!_

_Benny Spacepants!_

_Benny Spacepants!_

_Bennnnnnnny Spacepaaaaaaaaants!_

_Ha ha ha ha ha ha!_

 

I’m not sure how it is where you live, but in Syspocalastar, a normal day meant a day where Benny and his space buddy Lenny ran around Syspocalastar looking for something to do. At least, that was how things had been for the past couple of months while the two were grounded on the current planet. Currently waiting for the Classic Space program to start a new mission for them, they were in search of amusement – usually it was searching for spaceship parts, and other times, it was going to a friend’s house to play. Today was one of the latter times. So the blue astronaut and the pink astronaut were at it again today. They raced each other to Emmet and Lucy’s dream house. The idea excited them very much. Very, very much.

“All right! We’re gonna go to Emmet and Lucy’s house! Aw yeah! Woo-hoo!” they babbled. “Ha ha ha! Keep the toasters warm, Emmet, ‘cause here we come. I’m gonna beat you there, Lenny! Nuh-uh, eat my dust Ben—Wha?”

The two froze in midair, staring goggle-eyed at the house. Never mind that they had to defy physics to freeze in midair. The house looked _different._ Emptier.

A small table had been set up in front of the door with an even smaller television atop it. On its side was a large blue button that practically screamed “PUSH ME,” so Benny did push it. The TV flickered to life. A grainy home video appeared on screen which showed Emmet and Lucy in their bedroom. Lucy packed her suitcase while Emmet struggled to get the camera steady. When he finally did, he smiled and spoke to the camera.

“Hi, friends,” he greeted his audience. “If you’re watching this video, it means Lucy and I have left for our spring break vacation. Unfortunately, the place we’re staying at doesn’t allow cats, so Unikitty stayed here. If you’re the cat sitter, please use the key we gave you and come in the house QUIETLY. She takes long naps when we’re not home and she doesn’t like to be woken up.”

Lucy rolled her suitcase over, elbowed Emmet out of the frame, and added her own bit: “So do not disturb, thank you...” The camera zoomed in on her unamused face. “That means you, Benny.”

“They went on vacation and didn’t tell us!” Benny looked like he was going to cry. “Why didn’t they tell me they were going?”

No answer from Lenny.

“Unless they _did_ tell me and I forgot,” Benny added, tapping his foot. “I forget things like that sometimes. Well, bummer! I was looking forward to building spaceships with Emmet. But I guess we should go back home and—Lenny, what are you doing?”

The pink astronaut was adjusting his air tanks and helmet in preparation to go in the house anyway. “Hey, the door’s unlocked. Let’s go inside.”

“But they said not to,” Benny protested, pointing at the TV.

“Benny. Benny. Benny,” Lenny chuckled, putting a hand on his friend’s shoulder. “It’s no biggie. We won’t be in long. Their cat sitter musta’ forgotten to lock the place up after she was done. So we’ll go in, make sure everything’s up to snuff, then leave n’ lock the door. It’ll take five minutes. What could go wrong?”

Now dear reader, you are a smart person. You have the powers of inductive reasoning. You’ve seen enough cartoons and movies and read enough books to know that any time a character asks “What could go wrong,” it won’t be long before a lot of things go wrong. This occasion was no different – not that Benny and Lenny realized that. So Lenny swung open the door and sauntered inside, with Benny close behind him.

The astronauts explored the living room, breakfast nook, and TV room without finding anything amiss. To be honest, the house was pretty boring without Emmet and Lucy there. It was nice and quiet inside, though, which Benny enjoyed. It gave him some space to breathe and calm down.

“Find peace within and embrace the unity between yourself and the universe,” Lenny said. “As a living being, you are inherently valuable and capable of many good things.”

“Wow, Lenny,” Benny sniffled, looking like he was going to cry happy tears. “That was beautiful.”

“What?” The pink astronaut turned around, munching on a handful of cereal. “I was just reading the back of this box of granola.”

As the astronauts explored the house, they heard loud snoring. Benny thought that Lenny had fallen asleep on him, but when he turned to look, the pink astronaut just shrugged at him. So he followed the sound, which seemed to be leading him down a hallway.

“I think it came from that room,” he said, pointing.

“That’s one tired room,” Lenny commented.

The room in question was the “kitty cat room” Emmet had made for Unikitty. It had purple walls and lots of cat furniture. Lenny had heard Benny describe Unikitty to him – she was a little pink cat with a unicorn horn and fluffy tail – so he wasn’t prepared for what he saw instead.

“Whoa!” Benny gasped at the sight. A huge red and orange cat was lying on her back in the room, barely fitting into the kitty bed. Her body was covered in spikes, and a large red horn stuck out of her forehead.

Lenny stared. “It looks like an overstuffed Unikitty plushie.”

“I think that IS Unikitty!” the blue astronaut told him. “Must be her Ultrakatty form Lucy told me about.”

“She’s really let herself go,” the pink astronaut remarked. Benny frowned and was about to say something about not making rude comments about his friend, but then, to his shock, Ultrakatty started talking!

“End of the line, Dirty Dan. I’ve had enough of you and your dastardly deeds,” Ultrakatty said...but her eyes were shut – she was talking in her sleep. “I’m gonna catch you and your sidekick, Pinhead Larry. Or my name isn’t Princess Unikitty...”

“Awww,” Benny cooed. “She’s dreaming about being back in Cloud Cuckoo Land.”

“Better look out, Unikitty,” Lenny whispered to the sleeping kitty. “He’s Dirty Dan!”

“Grrr,” she growled. “Gonna catch you and throw you in the slammer! At taxpayers’ expense.”

Seeing as though it didn’t seem to bother her per se, Benny decided to join in on the fun. “Uh-oh, Unikitty. Better run faster!”

“Yeah, I’m getting away!” Lenny teased.

Ultrakatty snuffled and waved her paws in the air, as if she was chasing “Dirty Dan” and “Pinhead Larry.”

“There’s a taxi!” Benny said, even though there aren’t any taxis in Cloud Cuckoo Land. “Let’s get inside, Pinhead Larry. Before she gets us.”

“Faster, faster!” Lenny could barely hold in his giggles.

“Oh, darn it,” Ultrakatty mumbled, apparently having failed to catch her nemeses. “I’ll get you one day, Dirty Dan. You’re nothing but pure evil! Just like newspaper comics.”

With that, the giant cat rolled over and started snoring. The astronauts giggled a little more and then turned away.

“All right, Lenny, we’ve had our fun,” Benny said. “Let’s leave her be and not disturb her anymore.”

“Really? I’ll show you something disturbing.” Lenny reached into a pocket on his space suit and pulled out a small puppet of himself that looked way too realistic. Total uncanny valley. Benny stared at it.

“Hello, Benny. My name is Puppet Pal,” said Lenny, throwing his voice to make it sound like the puppet was talking instead of himself. Then he casually tossed it aside. It squeaked upon hitting the floor.

“Wow! That is really disturbing,” Benny said cheerfully.

The two broke out into merry laughter, bonding over what a weird gag that had been. Unfortunately for them, the noise was a little too much for Ultrakatty. Her eyes snapped open, red and bloodshot. Somehow, the astronauts didn’t hear her heavy, pounding footsteps approaching them. Not until a large, hairy shadow fell over them. They immediately shut up, afraid to turn around and look at what was looming behind them. I mean, they didn’t need to, really. They knew it was a seriously upset Ultrakatty, rearing up on her back legs to be even taller than normal. She grunted out hot, heavy breaths, and you could have almost seen steam rising from her ears.

They squealed and tried to run away from Ultrakatty. Key word being _tried_. She grabbed each one by the pants in a mighty paw and lifted them off the ground. In fact, she didn’t just grab them by the pants. She grabbed them in a mega-wedgie, putting their goofy spaceship-print briefs on display.

“Faster, Benny, faster!” Lenny cried, even though neither of them was going anywhere.

“I’m sorry, Unikitty!” Benny wailed. “Please let us go!”

“I warned ya, Dirty Dan!” she growled. “This isn’t Apocalypseburg anymore. It’s Hurtville now!”

“No, Unikitty,” the blue astronaut stammered. “Snap out of it. It’s me, Benny, and Lenny. Your friends!”

“Please, Unikitty,” Lenny whimpered – the mega-wedgie really hurt. “These are brand new briefs.”

“You’ve fought your last fight. Now I’m gonna make you two into matching...leather...jackets...” Ultrakatty’s head listed to one side as she dozed off. She released her grip on Benny and Lenny. The astronauts scurried out of the way as she tipped over like a felled oak. The giant cat collapsed back into her kitty bed with a massive, floor-shaking crash. She curled her tail around herself and started snoring.

“Wowie zowie,” Lenny commented.

“I told you we should have let her be,” Benny said. “We should really just leave. Without making too much noise. If only we had...had headphones for her or something.”

“Yeah. Bummer I’ve only got this flex foam stuff.” Lenny reached into another one of his many pockets and pulled out a lump of experimental mold-able foam from the Classic Space lab. At the sight of it, Benny’s face lit up.

“This will work.” He snatched it from Lenny’s hand and sculpted it into a crude earmuff shape. Then he tiptoed up to the kitty bed and carefully slipped the earmuffs over Ultrakatty’s ears.

She stirred in her sleep and muttered, “Hand over the stolen cupcakes, Pinhead Larry.”

“Okay. I hope that works,” he said.

“Hey Unikitty!” Lenny shouted. “Does it work?”

No response. Benny and Lenny looked at each other and did the eyebrow thing.

“Hey Unikitty, if you can’t hear us, DON’T SAY ANYTHING,” Benny said loudly.

“DON’T WAKE UP!” Lenny yelled at her.

Again, she did nothing in response. She slept on, undisturbed. The experimental foam molded perfectly around her ears and drowned out all the noise.

“Ha! See you later, Unikitty.” The two astronauts, giggling heartily, ran out to the yard. Now that Unikitty had been dealt with, it was playtime. They decided to continue their adventure as “Dirty Dan” and “Pinhead Larry.” Benny put his hands on his utility belt like a cowboy would and imitated the cowboy drawl.

“You mighta escaped Unikitty with me, but now I want MY share of the bargain.”

“Ha! You’ll never catch me!” Lenny teased in a terrible imitation of a cowboy accent and started skipping away. Benny playfully chased him. Lenny threw a mud ball at him to get him off his tail.

“Oof,” Benny grunted as he took it square to the face. “That’s playing dirty.”

“Was that a pun?” Lenny asked.

“Huh. I don’t know. But _this_ is revenge!” The blue astronaut heaved an even bigger mud ball at his friend, this one shaped like a small spaceship. It knocked him right over.

“Nice radiation shield,” Lenny commented from under the mud spaceship. He shucked the glop off him and stood up straight, not really caring that there was now mud all over his prized pink spacesuit.

“All right, Pinhead!” Benny said, in his cowboy accent again. “Your time is up.”

“Who you callin’ Pinhead?” Lenny gained an uncanny valley face and a black bow tie just for that gag. He was back to normal literally one second later. Don’t question it.

“I wanna be Dirty Dan,” he complained.

“Pssh,” Benny scoffed. “What makes you think you can be Dirty Dan? You’re not mean enough.”

“Oh, and you are? Last winter, you worried that the squirrels’ little ears would get cold.”

“You got me there.”

“I can be Dirty Dan. Because I’m dirty.” He indicated his mud-soaked space suit. Suddenly he got walloped in the head with a giant foam bat. Benny had pilfered it out the scrap heap in the backyard.

“I’d say I’m Dirty Dan.” the blue astronaut declared.

Lenny squinted at him for a second before running to the scrap heap and grabbing a foam bat of his own. He walloped Benny on the head with it.

“I’m Dirty Dan!” he protested.

“I’m Dirty Dan!” Whack.

“I’m Dirty Dan!” Thump.

“I’m Dirty Dan!” Smack.

And so on. The two kept swatting at each other with the foam bats and declaring themselves to be Dirty Dan, unaware of how much their antics were shaking up the ground. Enough so, in fact, that they were shaking up the house with enough force to knock off Ultrakatty’s earmuffs. Soon her ears were exposed and quite able to hear their shouts. Her eyes flicked open, once again red and bloodshot.

Outside, the astronauts continued their battle for dominance. They had no clue that Ultrakatty was storming up to them.

Until, out of nowhere, a large yellow paw reached out and grabbed Lenny’s space helmet. The laughing and “I’m Dirty Dan”’s stopped immediately as both astronauts froze in place. Then the paw tore off Lenny’s helmet and dangled it several feet above his head. Benny felt himself shrink. Ultrakatty, sans earmuffs and VERY ANGRY, towered over Lenny, holding the snatched helmet. Any angrier, and there would have been literal smoke shooting out of her mouth.

“ _Which one of you doofuses is the real Dirty Dan?”_ she thundered.

Lenny gave the wrong answer. “Uh, I am?”

Ultrakatty snarled and backhanded Lenny with her paw. With a resounding SMACK, the pink astronaut went flying across the yard, bellowing the entire time.

“Lenny!” Benny screamed. He winced as Lenny collided with the scrap heap at the end of the yard in a huge crash. Tin cans and pieces of plywood scattered to the four winds.

“Hot...wings...” a dizzy Lenny muttered, feebly raising his hand. He then proceeded to conk out entirely. With Lenny out of the question, Ultrakatty then turned her almighty wrath on Benny.

“All right, Pinhead! Time to get yours!”

The blue astronaut darted away, squealing like a frightened pig. His astronaut boots squeaked on the grass, but he could hardly hear that over the stomping of Ultrakatty’s giant paws. He whimpered and panted as the giant, irrationally angry kitty chased him around the house. At one point, the two of them were running in circles around the kitchen table, until Benny slipped on a slick patch of the floor. He went sailing through the air and through the open window, crash-landing in the backyard vegetable garden. Ultrakatty was on him in a moment, poised at the edge of the crater he lay in.

“Now you’re gonna pay for those crimes, Pinhead!”

Benny jumped to his feet and grabbed the nearest weapon – a large carrot. “Unikitty – stay back! I’m warning you!”

She responded by leaning in and roaring in his face, sending hot kitty breath and spittle his way. Benny used his free hand to wipe the spit off his face, then lifted the carrot.

“Okay, I warned you! UGHHH!” He chucked the carrot at her.

It missed by a mile. Also, Lenny chose that exact moment to recover from his head trauma and pop up next to Ultrakatty, putting himself right in the ballistic carrot’s warpath.

“Did you win?” he asked cheerfully; then the carrot walloped him in the head. “D’oof!”

He lost his balance and rolled down into the crater, blubbering the entire time. He came to a rest at Benny’s feet.

“Hi, Benny,” he said calmly, looking up at him.

Ultrakatty roared again and reared up to jump into the crater with them. The astronauts screamed. Lenny jumped into Benny’s arms, bridal-style. Their eyes nearly bugged out of their faces as she leapt at them, claws ready.

What followed was a beatdown the likes of which Syspocalastar had never before seen, nor would it likely ever see again.

About an hour afterwards, Lenny and Benny finally came to. Although they’d been attacked in the yard, they were now in the living room, lying buried under blankets like some kind of warm and fluffy grave. They sat up and pushed the blankets off, moaning.

“Okay, Benny, you can be Dirty Dan now. I just want to be Lenny.”

“We should just get out of here before Unikitty wakes up again.” Benny climbed out of his soft, woolen tomb and helped Lenny to his feet. He hustled to one of the doors and pulled on the handle with all his might (which, admittedly, wasn’t that much.) He tugged and tugged until his hands slipped off the handle and whacked Lenny in the face.

“Ow!” the pink astronaut cried, covering his eyes.

“Sorry, Lenny, but it’s stuck. I think it’s locked from the inside.”

“Uh, let me give it a shot.” He approached, spat into both hands, swung his arms back with his chest puffed out, and then thrust his arms at it in a power pose. “Open sesame!”

Predictably, that did absolutely nothing. Lenny shrugged and stepped away, mumbling about how that was everything he could do.

“Maybe we could leave out the back door,” Benny suggested.

So they did, trying the door to the backyard. But that one was locked up too. All the outside doors were jammed up, preventing them from leaving. They were locked in.

“Oh, no!” Benny cried. “Do you know what this means?”

“I won’t get to watch football tonight?”

“We’re locked in the house!”

“With Ultrakatty...” Lenny said with wide eyes as the realization sunk in.  
“Until Emmet and Lucy come back...”

“At the end of spring break.”

Several hours later they were still in the living room, huddled up and crying. They were bored, scared, and kind of cold. The furnace for the house had been turned down to keep from wasting energy, and two goofy astronauts getting stranded inside had obviously not been factored in.

Benny felt his tummy rumble. A look at Lenny told him that the pink astronaut was getting hungry, too. A second later they were both rushing to the kitchen. Lenny scoured the cabinets, hoping to raid them for potato chips. Benny rifled through the fridge in search of hot dogs. Neither of them got what they were looking for. In fact, they couldn’t find any food at all.

“Are you serious?” Lenny hissed – he would have yelled that, but that might wake up Ultrakatty again. “Where’s all the food? How could they not have ANY food in their house?”

Benny drew blanks on that until he got a little flash of insight. “They’re taking a long vacation. They must have cleaned out the kitchen to keep anything from going bad while they were away.”

“That’s stupid,” Lenny complained, getting hangrier by the second. “It’s not like Unikitty isn’t here.”

“Huh?” Benny couldn’t see the correlation there.

“Yeah! She’s got to have food, doesn’t she? Cats eat too. I bet she swiped it from the kitchen and she’s hiding it in her room!”

“Uh...”

“Come on!” Lenny hurried down the hall to Ultrakatty’s room. The giant cat was sleeping on her tummy with her legs splayed out in all directions. Every now and then her paws twitched and she made a cute chortling noise in her sleep. She was cute when she slept, even in her Ultrakatty form, but the astronauts knew VERY WELL to not irritate her. Right behind her, pressed up against the wall, were many boxes of food – treats like crackers, pretzels, cereal, and even the granola Lenny had been snacking on earlier. She swiped the food from the kitchen after beating the stuffing out of the astronauts. Also, there was a bowl of cat food sitting in front of her nose.

“That’s where my granola went,” Lenny grumbled. “She took it. I wasn’t even finished with it.”

“How are we going to get the snacks if she’s guarding them?” Benny asked.

“We? Why don’t you get it?”

Benny sighed, then tiptoed towards the treats stacked behind Ultrakatty. It wouldn’t be too hard, he told himself. Just walk up, grab the nearest snack, and then make a break for it without making much noise. Then they could eat that and be fine for a while. He reached for the nearest package of food – a box of animal crackers – and then froze when Ultrakatty sniffed the air and started talking in her sleep.

“Back for more? You’ll be in a body cast when I’m through with you, Dirty Dan,” she growled, stretching out her forelegs. Benny cringed and scurried away without anything to show for his efforts.

“The, uh, the snacks aren’t happening, Lenny,” he told the pink astronaut.

“I’m starving here!”

“Um...um...there!” He pointed at the bowl by Ultrakatty’s nose. “It’s mostly fish, right?”

Lenny looked ill. “Only because we have to, Benny.”

Benny snuck up to the kitty bowl, which was near but not quite so uncomfortably close to Ultrakatty, and scooped out some cat food. Immediately she started sniffing, grunted, and partially woke up, meowing. Benny’s heart jumped into his throat, but then she fell back asleep. He scrambled back to Lenny and presented the handful of meaty stuff to him.

“There,” he gasped, “that should be enough to last us until Emmet and Lucy get home, right?”

Lenny frowned, took the chunk of cat food, and stuffed it in his mouth. “Benny, I’m a big eater. A big, BIG eater.”

“Eep! Well, I’ve lived a full life.” Benny scooped more cat food out of the bowl. Ultrakatty smelled him messing with her food and, again, partially woke up. She growled and extended her claws, only to nod off once more. Benny breathed out a tense breath and brought back the spoils to Lenny.

“Ughh! This is taking too long!” Lenny grabbed the entire bowl and whisked it away from Ultrakatty, who reared up on her feet and roared before collapsing back on the floor with a sleepy sigh. Benny nearly fainted.

“Lenny, are you crazy?” he asked.

“Nope,” the pink astronaut said between bites of kitty food. “I’m full. This stuff is nasty, but it beats being hungry.”

“Hmm.” Benny motioned. “Here, let me see some of that.”

The two cleaned out the bowl together, one scoop of meaty stuff at a time. It had a weird texture, like refried beans, and tasted sort of like tuna and bread. It wasn’t astronaut ice cream, that was for sure, but at least it was _something_ to eat. (Reader, don’t eat cat food. It tastes gross and you’ll get sick.) Besides, this cat food eating plan would backfire on the astronauts momentarily. Because about halfway through, when they were sure they were ready to face the longest, boring-est, most snack-a-lackin’ spring break ever, they heard the front door to the house open. And voices that belonged to Emmet and Lucy.

“I can’t believe you forgot our plane tickets, Emmet,” Lucy was saying. “What did you do with them?”

Emmet’s response was indistinct, but he sounded very upset with himself. Looks like their spring break vacation had ended early. Benny and Lenny looked at each other in confusion and terror, especially when they heard Emmet and Lucy approaching Unikitty’s room.

“Let’s check on Unikitty,” Emmet was saying. “I hope she hasn’t gone Ultrakatty on us from being so lonely.”

“Unikitty?” Lucy called. “How are you?”

Ultrakatty yawned, stretched out her legs, and then morphed back into normal Unikitty. At the same time, Emmet and Lucy stepped into her room to see what she was up to. And of course, the first thing they saw was Benny and Lenny helping themselves to the contents of her kitty bowl.

“Lenny? Benny? What are you doing here...and why are you eating Unikitty’s cat food?”

“Uh...spaceship?”


End file.
